Monday, 3 August 2009

SonisFUCKINGphere (epic blog/review inc.)

So about an hour ago I got back from Sonisphere festival down in Knebworth.

Knebworth is a fair drive away, just north of London, and took about 4 hours or so to get there, then again back.

The journey there was full of life, we were all very excited (except my dad) and we didn't quite know what to expect. It was a friday and the bands didn't start until the saturday. It was also a very thirsty journey, so buying 2 Relentless from a service station was a good choice.

We'd never been to a festival before, and were relatively uninformed as to the goings on, other than of course the large lineups of constant bands during the day and the camping during the night, so this was very new for all of us and in a way it was good that way, as we all gained the experiences together.

We finally arrived around 2pm, after having to take a slight detour due to Sat-Nav misleading us with a turning that didn't actually exist, but all was well.

We took the trek to the entrance and waited for Aaron to get his ticket, finally putting him at ease after being worried the whole week prior, then proceeding to enter. We were searched (well, supposed to be- they ignored me) - not very well it would seem, as Aaron had a Swiss Army Knife which wasn't found - nevertheless, the security was generally very good all weekend. We continued the epic trek with our heavy bags to find a suitable camping location and swiftly set up shop with our recently gained knowledge of tent-set-upage. After around 15 minutes or so, we were settled down with our tent ready, and everything inside.

We decided now would be a good time to look around and entered the area known as Bohemia, in which all activies took place, other than main stage activity, and was effectively the food court. We wandered around for a while and got familiar with the surroundings, rather impressed with all the different things we could do, then returned to our tent and made friends with a couple of guys next door, Kyle and Matt, who we hung around with for a while later that night (it was all a bit hazy after a few cans).

The day passed and we continued to look around and such, desperately craving beer (atleast I was anyway), and fortunately another dude next door noticed Aaron's Metallica tee and decided we were worthy, and bought us a crate of Carlsberg (£30 for 24 cans, probably the least extorted pricing from the whole festival).

We had a few drinks and made ourselves at home, and had a nice long chat with the dudes next door before I decided I'd take Jason with me to have a contest to see who would get the most high-fives. I was pretty drunk. Yelling "High five for Metallicuh!" in an American accent (which a few people questioned), I managed to get atleast 40 high fives, and spoke to a lot of people about it, some as drunk/excited for Metallica as myself.

The rest of the night I don't remember all that much, but I decided to crash for the night in the tent and texted Emma for a while. Emma is a girl I've been getting to know for a while now and we've recently started going out. She's wonderful- very different to most girls I know. Easy to talk to, beautiful, understanding, emotional, affectionate. Everything I could ever want. I'm a softy, I know, but more on that later. Jason and Aaron chose to stay out and get to know more people, Aaron soon returning stoned and drunk out of his mind. We talked and were unsure of the whereabouts of Jason (who was a bit drunk, but not too bad), who returned later having stories of circle pits to a DJ on the camp. We decided to get some rest. Sort of.

Somehow or another, we managed to get only about an hours sleep, well, me and Jason anyway. Aaron about 3 or so. We decided to go looking around camp at 6, attempting to find the water taps and such, then waiting it out until things started to open. I started to feel the lack of sleep around 7, and we fell back to sleep till around 10.

We checked out the Arena (the big area where the key bands would play on alternating stages) and returned to Bohemia for a little while as the first band didn't start until 12.

We were pleasantly surprised by a small dutch polka band playing to a small crowd. It was a very different and interesting musical experience, playing songs like Enter Sandman, Ace of Spades and Living On A Prayer. Everyone was singing along, twas very fun.

We returned to the Arena and positioned ourselves around the Saturn Stage (effectively second stage). There were quite a few people, but not too many. The announcer informed us that the polka band would start the festival, which they did. Without microphones. Infront of a crowd of metal heads. They didn't go down well and lost the novelty of their small performance, but the next band went down very well.

The next section will be effectively be reviews, and unless stated otherwise, just assume all we did between was walk to the opposite stage, as the main bands were on a staggered line up so you would never miss a thing, and only a 5-10 minute per band.

(Real) Day One: Saturday

First Band, Saturn Stage: Soil (30 minute set, 12:00-12:30)
These were a band that Aaron and myself had known a couple of songs of for a few years, from various videos, but never expected to see them. The crowd, for an early performance and a relatively small band were pretty good, although we were quite far away, but we decided to go a lot close for the last song, Halo. It was really good, and the singers singing was perfect live.

Recommended songs: Breaking Me Down, Halo.

Second Band, Apollo Stage: Alien Ant Farm (30 minute set, 12:35-13:05)
One of the final bands to be announced, I think people were expecting something more metal, but they put on a good show. Jason, Aaron and I hadn't fully worked out how the main stage worked yet. Basically there was a huge barrier in front of us, which we were meant to go round, but we enjoyed it on the huge screens from where we were. Even when the singer (who has long hair now, in more than one place), decided to get his knob out on stage. For lack of better wording, I though I'd go for the most crude explanation. Cheering was had. And the bassist is a freak but hilarious. Singing again was flawless.

Recommended songs: Movies, Smooth Criminal.

Third Band, Saturn Stage: Skindred (30 minute set, 13:10-13:40)
We didn't watch these, went back to the tent and chilled for a little while.

Forth Band, Apollo Stage: Taking Back Sunday (40 minute set, 13:45-14:25)
I only knew like one song by these guys, we went mostly for bragging rights to all the girls we know who love them. Singing was very good again, and the singer (who's a bit weird, and has many gay mannerisms) was some kind of god at microphone tricks, they were cool to watch. It was a decent performance.

Recommended songs: MakeDamnSure, Liar (It Takes One To Know One).

Fifth Band, Saturn Stage: Bjorn Again (40 minute set, 14:30-15:10)
Jason and I thought these would be a great laugh. Something to mix things up, Sonisphere invited an Abba Tribute Band, chosen specifically by Metallica. Not a heavy metal cover band, an identical tribute band, it was fantastic, really. I was surprised how many songs I knew and it really was an amazing experience, especially when they played Enter Sandman as a tribute to Metallica, in Abba style. That really was fantastic, proves you can moshpit to anything (more on that later..) and we all really enjoyed it. It felt almost like a guilty pleasure.

Recommended songs: I'll skip this one.

Sixth Band, Apollo Stage: Anthrax (45 minute set, 15:15-16:00)
One of the Big Four of thrash metal (along side Slayer, Metallica and Megadeth). The singer quit the band just prior to the event, but the band has had many singers, and one of the previous frontmen joined just for that gig- they put on a very good show. I didn't know ANY songs, except one, which they didn't play, but I still got into it, you can't help but head bang to music like that. Another really good performance, just slightly unfortunate that you could'nt hear the guitar solos at all over the overly loud double bass.

Recommended songs: Caught In A Mosh, Madhouse.

Seventh Band, Saturn Stage: The Used (45 minute set, 16:05-16:50)
Again we went back to the tent for a rest as I knew no songs at all by them and Jason and Aaron weren't all that arsed. Standing up all day is not cool!

Eighth Band, Apollo Stage: Coheed And Cambria (45 minute set, 16:55-17:40)
This was quite annoying. I was sort of looking forward to seeing them, as I heard they put on a good performane live and I knew the odd popular song. We walked up the hill to the Apollo Stage to hear the announcer apologising and that Coheed And Cambria are late due to a fault with their ferry, and that they'd be playing at 19:10 in Bohemia tent (another stage with slightly less known bands playing- a huge tent. Effectively the size of Academy 1). In their place, the Bohemia band in their spot would play: Fact. They were shit, Fact. We went to our tent.

Ninth Band, Saturn Stage: Airbourne (45 minute set, 17:45-18:30)
We stayed in our tent resting our achey legs. None of us really knew them all that well (one or two songs max) and we needed the rest.

Tenth Band, Apollo Stage: Heaven & Hell (1 hour set, 18:40-19:40)
Despite the fact these were second main stage headliners, we knew nothing of them, only that Dio and Tony Iommi were members, and didn't fancy leaving the comfort of our tents for them either. We ate pizza. It was good. Cut into 8 slices, Jason lost the rock paper scissors for an extra slice. Poor guy. We did head back to the stage towards the end of the set, however, so we can say we've seen them now.

Eleventh Band, Saturn Stage: Bullet For My Valetine (1 hour set, 19:50, 20:50)
This is the point where my mind was blown. I like Bullet, a lot, but I didn't expect this. The performance was absolutely flawless, solos, singing, everything. Even in the rain- which only made the heavy moshing more hardcore, might I add. Quite close to the front, we were really in the thick of it, screaming at the top of our lungs. The atmosphere was fantastic, and we got an exclusive song (only played twice before) from the new album. To top it all off, Aaron and I decided the best way to end it was to crowd surf. Good idea.

Recommended songs: Scream Aim Fire, Tears Don't Fall.

Twelth Band, Apollo Stage: Linkin Park (1 hour 45 minute set, 21:00-22:45)
After having lost Aaron and Jason due to the time difference between crowd surfing and slight mixup with meeting points, I was alone for this one- but all was good. I got very close to the front and as Session started playing the cheering began. I was finally seeing Linkin Park after all these years. The band that got me into rock and my favourite band for 2 years. I think that was what made it so special for me. Other than the new stuff, I knew all the lyrics, and the raps word for word, it was a fantastic experience. Very passionate from everyone, especially Mike Shinoda (my favourite member since day one- giving us a heartfelt rap about war and a piano solo) and a drum solo from the drummer Rob, which was definitely worth seeing- even had people moshing!
Towards the end of the set, Linkin Park went off stage and Chester (lead singer) brought out his side project: Dead By Sunrise, to play 3 songs or so. They were slightly disappointing, but Linkin Park redeemed it with their encore of New Divide, Faint and One Step Closer.

Recommended songs: Faint, In The End.

Music over, rest of night
Having come out of the amazing last 3 hours of music relatively shaken, we were very tired and instantly got some drinks then proceeded back to Bohemia. We checked out the Fuel girls (like the hottest girls ever stripping to heavy music - what else could you want?) and stuck around there for a bit and decided to call it a night and head home to get some sleep. We slept this time. It was good.

Day One over.

Day Two: Sunday
We woke around 9ish due to dudes yelling METALLICUH and BUTTSCRATCHER, got dressed and went for a wander. We felt pretty shitty from the night before, our legs were killing.

I had a brainwave.

I went to the shop, Jason and Aaron were baffled. HEAD AND SHOULDERS. We used Jason's tank of water to pour on our heads to wash our hair. God it felt good. Everyone felt better and a lot more in the mood for nearly 12 hours of heavy music. Sounds weird when you say it like that.

We wandered and did the usual morning stuff for a while before catching the last half of Buckcherry. Reviews start again here.

First Band, Apollo Stage: Buckcherry (30 minute set, 11:20-11:50)
We didn't know anything by or indeed about the band, but we caught the last half of the set, watching on the big screens from a distance, and were rather impressed. The performance was good and singing and solos seemed spot on- I'll definitely look out for them more and recommend them to others.

Recommended songs: Don't know any anyway.

Second Band, Saturn Stage: Paradise Lost (30 minute set, 11:50-12:20)
We watched again from a distance with these are we didn't know anything by them, but they seemed pretty good again from where we were- pretty heavy and performed well.
"I wonder if they're british?" - Brad
"Get a beer for a few quid." - Singer
Was good, I would recommend these too.

Recommended songs: Don't know any again.

Third Band, Apollo Stage: Killing Joke (30 minute set, 12:20-12:50)
We turned to our tent again to rest for these. We'd never heard anything by them and Jason had told us they weren't exactly anything great, so we sat it out in our tent for our poor ickle legs, that hated us by this point.

Forth Band, Saturn Stage: Saxon (30 minute set, 12:50-13:20)
Again we sat these out, as we were in our tent and it's quite the trek to the Arena, and we didn't know anything by them. We'd been recommended and Lars Ulrich of Metallica says they're his biggest influence, but apparently we didn't miss much from what I heard.

Fifth Band, Apollo Stage: Lamb of God (40 minute set, 13:20-14:00)
After missing about half of these due to the epic trek and Aaron attepting to get a ticket signed only to find the signing band (Buckcherry) had finished their signing session. We were pretty far back which we regretted (the point where no one does anything) as we were still sort of tired, but the performance was great, the 'singer' does a really good job of what he does and the guitar solos were solid.

Recommended songs: Redneck, Laid To Rest.

Sixth Band, Saturn Stage: Mastodon (35 minute set, 14:05-14:40)
Another band I didn't know an awful lot by, but the performance was great. The drummer is known for being a bit of a beast and he definitely lived up to that, flawless. The solos were perfect too, and some of them were really hard by the looks of it. Not much else to report.

Recommended songs: Blood and Thunder, Colony of Birchmen.

Seventh Band, Apollo Stage: Special Gu
ests (1 hour set, 14:45-15:45)
Special guests.
Lots of hype about these guys, no one knew what to expect.
Lots of contoversy on the forums, lots of wondering about if Sonisphere would ever update it (which they didn't, even on the friggin' programme), until finally they unveiled with the rising band banner at the back of the stage. MH, it read.
Everyone cheered their lungs out, finally the anticipation paid off. The story behind it goes that Machine Head were lined up for main stage (Apollo) and were happy, but then Limp Bizkit got put above them and they weren't pleased. They pulled out but were offered a spot on second stage (Saturn) higher than Limp Bizkit, but refused through principle and feeling they deserved better. After Sonisphere 'begged' them to come back, they took the spot below Limp Bizkit and played their set- and what a set it was.
I've never seen a crowd so into it, it was almost as if EVERYONE in the front section knew this band to heart, it was fantastic. So many people yelling, even the singer was overwhelmed, claiming this was his best gig ever. Usually I wouldn't believe that, but after how good we were as a crowd it wouldn't surprise me. Chanting "MACHINE FUCKIN' HEAD" after every song, down to "FUCK LIMP BIZKIT, FUCK LIMP BIZKIT", it was immense, one of the best performances I've experienced. I bet they're glad they came, we sure were. Fuck, they even had a huge circle pit going to NOTHING. No beat, no playing, no singing, no talking. Just pure adrenaline from the performance. The singer was shellshocked.

Recommended songs: Aesthetics of Hate, Beautiful Mourning.

Eighth Band, Saturn Stage: Feeder (45 minute set, 15:50-16:35)
Another one we didn't pay a lot of attention to, we were tired from the mosh pits and crowd surfing of Machine Head. We headed back to the chips stall, bought, ate and rested for a while, coming back to check out the last few songs. You know, the big ones? We were sat but the crowd were getting into it and they gave off another good British performance. I'd like to be a bit more involved next time though, although the original plan had been to see Corey Taylor's solo project in the Bohemia tent (they clashed), however it was VERY full.

Recommended songs: Buck Rogers, Just A Day.

Ninth Band, Apollo Stage: Limp Bizkit (1 hour set, 16:40-17:40)
Aside from wondering what to expect after our chanting, I wasn't sure what to expect from the rap metal band, but I was pleasantly surprised. First couple of songs we stood on the cusp of the crowd, watching the screens, but going in for some of the heavier songs. Fred Durst's very unique voice kinda won me over, when he wasn't brown nosing Machine Head (the DJ and drummer were wearing tour shirts for christ sake) and he put on a great performance. For a rap metal band, some of the moshing was crazy, especially during Break Stuff. I'd definitely go see them again- you can tell a band is doing a good job when you forget the pain in your legs.

Recommended songs: Break Stuff, Now I Know Why You Wanna Hate Me.

Tenth Band, Saturn Stage: Alice In Chains (45 minute set, 17:45-18:30)
Aside from the immense leg pain, Aaron and I weren't all that bothered about Alice In Chains due to knowing very little of them, so we left Jason and his alternative self to go enjoy it while we rested back at the tent and Aaron went for an 'epic shit'. Ahem. We wandered back and caught the last few songs, which seemed pretty good, and ate some more chips. We was hoping we'd catch Jason before the next band but he didn't walk past us.

Recommended songs: Man In The Box, Would.

Eleventh Band, Apollo Stage: Nine Inch Nails (1 hour set, 18:35-19:35)
Another one that Aaron and myself weren't all that interested in, but we watched from the back. It was their last EVER gig in the UK- 20 years, ending. Trent put in a very passionate performance, apparently almost crying. They played a lot of obscure, rare songs. No popular ones at all, so much of the crowd were disappointed, but others, like Jason, grasped the passion behind the performance and that made it for him. That's all I can report.

Recommended songs: The Hand That Feeds, March Of The Pigs.

Twelth Band, Saturn Stage: Avenged Sevenfold (50 minute set, 19:45-20:35)
This was it. I was finally going to see Avenged Sevenfold after all these years. My favourite band at one point, and the band I've wanted to see for the longest. 5/9 of my heroes. We got quite close before they started, but ended up MUCH closer. Effectively front row, bar having to basically hug the girl in front for the whole show so I didn't lose my spot. I was so close, wearing my Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt. They were right there. The performance was fantastic and everyone was so into it AND it had previously been Matt's birthday so he got a Happy Birthday too. It was everything I'd wanted it to be and now I need them to come to Manchester- after finishing the recording of their new album!

Recommended songs: Critical Acclaim, Afterlife.

Thirteenth Band, Apollo Stage: Metallica (2 hour set, 20:45-22:45)
This was the big one, the one we'd all wanted. Atleast half the people at the festival hard worn a Metallica t-shirt at one point and there were a lot of dedicated fans. I pushed through a lot of crowd to get into the front section and was reunited with Aaron and Jason after Avenged Sevenfold and we got a decent spot. We weren't surrounded by tall dudes and the screen and stage were easily in sight.
There was a massive pause, followed by a video of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly on the monitor, along with the track known as "The Ecstasy Of Gold" playing. Everyone sung along to the familiar tune- Metallica had used it to open their gigs since 1983. I got chills.
It stopped but they were still nowhere to be seen. Everyone listened closely. A slight fade-in was heard. It was Blackened. As soon as it was recognizable cheers were heard from 90,000 people and the song broke into action. Aaron and I sung along to almost every word, shouting and screaming with pure passion to everything. We'd planned the setlist before to ourselves and it was perfect. Everything we wanted was played, to perfection might I add. Most of the crowd were singing it all word for word.
Creeping Death. Sad But True. Nothing Else Matters. No matter how heavy or soft, the crowd and the band put in so much passion into the performance, it was harmony.
Nothing Else Matters really made me miss Emma, more than I've missed anyone before after knowing them for such a short time- the lyrics seemed to fit, I can't wait to see her more than ever.
The band went off and came back for their encore, which continued their flawless performance, even playing a rare song off their first album. After Seek & Destroy, their final song, people got prepared to leave. But..
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU" the crowd began to sing, getting loud as people picked up on it. It was James's birthday in an hour. His family, his friends, his band mates began smearing him in cream pies and spray, it was fantastic. They stayed on stage for a long time, talking, having fun.
Even James, beef cake of heavy metal let go of a few tears. 90,000 people singing happy birthday surrounded by his family and best friends. You can't begin to imagine the happiness.

They eventually began to go off stage (I got a pick!) and people began to leave, in pure awe from the performance we'd just seen. Words really cannot describe it. Better than Manchester.

Recommended songs: Everything.

Music over, rest of night
We made our way back to the tent, promising we'd come back out and check the activities and party for the last time, but after getting there we were just so worn out from the amazing weekend that we fell asleep very quickly. Well, after I dragged Aaron out of the tent.

Day Two Over.

Day Three: Monday
We awoke around 9 again, even more dead from the previous night and sluggishly began to come around. We'd packed up slowly and eventually began the epic trek back to the pickup point. There was a slight air of sadness as it came to an end. The end of an era.
We endured the drive home, not much was said due to everyone being ridiculously tired, but we had a damn good Burger King.
We eventually arrived at Jason's house and helped him to get his stuff in, waving good bye, and set off home. We dropped Aaron off and I got home. I know that we all felt one thing. We sat down and just though, "What now?".
It was one of the best experiences of my life and I know it will never happen again, but it was amazing.

Thankyou for reading, if you're still alive.

Sunday, 14 June 2009


I never knew Chris Dale, a boy in Blue Coat, year 10. But he was the best friend of my friend Sammie, last night he was hit by a car while waiting to cross with her.

He was killed and it was a few inches off her, and her and her friends saw everything.. that's going to scar them for a long time.

No doubt it'll be on the news and they'll have an assembly about it. His sister had to identify the body and his parents were back on the first flight home from France.

I can't begin to imagine what they're going through.

Saturday, 30 May 2009

so I dub thee unforgiven

Just having one of those days where I feel like I could break down at any moment, been close a few times too- yet I don't even know the cause, if there is one. Most likely many small things over a long time.

The barbeque yesterday was great though, I had an awesome time and I'm very thankfully to Annie for inviting me, probably should've drank a little less though, although I didn't do anything stupid.

Seems it's never too late to make good friends.

Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel is just a freight train coming your way...

Thursday, 28 May 2009

something someone showed me

Stop being a people pleaser. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate everyone except yourself. If you identify with the "nice guy" dilemma, you're probably a kind person who loves to help people, and that's wonderful. But don't be so humble that you become a slave to everyone else's needs and expectations. It's healthy to have your own needs and goals, and to fulfill them and help others at the same time, without putting someone else's priorities way above yours. Avoid "parasitic" relationships where you give, give, give and never get. Strive to form mutually beneficial relationships.

- someone on the internet.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Swimming through the void we hear the word..

...we lose ourselves but we find it all.

Struggling to find something to strive for lately.
Sounds weird but I don't know, I don't feel like I have anything to pursue - all my hopes often seem in vain and it makes it very difficult to find a goal and motivation to follow it through.

I often struggle to put my feelings into words on this blog and this isn't any different.
Wish I could make sense.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009


I've been noticably less worried than I had expected about these exams, so I guess that's good, as it helps me relax a bit.

So far we've had Art, which I think went pretty well over all, I got what I needed to finished.
RS, I feel that went pretty well too, possible A, but definitely a B I reckon.
Maths Non Calc which I was very pleased with. I'm pretty bad at Maths (well, really bad) and I found it pretty easy, and answered all but 2 or 3 questions. If the grade boundaries aren't too high, I might even get an A, but that's being very optimistic. A B would make my day.
English Lit went well, although I didn't get everything I wanted into the last part of the second section. I wrote 10 pages which I found astounding, hopefully not much of it was rubbish and once again I may get an A.
Finally, ICT. I feel, again, that went pretty well. I was expecting death after the mock exam, but this is the first paper, which is known to be the easier one. I know atleast one question I got wrong, but hopefully some good marks on there. A or B again.

Overall I'm quite happy with how the exams are going thus far, and only one more tomorrow for 45 minutes then a big break for half term which I'll definitely get some revision in.

On a more negative note, my hayfever is back in action and I'm having to request tissue in exams. :(

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

this is horrible

Jesus christ, this is the most depressing thing ever.

5:50am, not been to sleep, won't be going to sleep.
Have to skip all lessons to work on this..

Why didn't I do my coursework during the year? I seriously currently hate my life because of it.

Monday, 11 May 2009

what a shame we all became such fragile broken things

Definitely a Paramore night tonight.

ICT Coursework till the early hours.
Art Exam is finally over mind you, and with it, Art in general, but I'll still go into the lesson on Wednesday to see what he says to us, I hope it will be good.
RS Exam tomorrow; I've not revised one bit, I've had no chance whatsoever. I'm going in tomorrow though, maybe I will absorb some knowledge.

It's unfortunate that I'm still finding out who my friends are this close to the end of school, but that's life.

Not much is good right now.

I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
Cause it might save you

Sunday, 10 May 2009

can it get much worse?

Constant coursework, exams, and now my family might be destroyed.

Saturday, 2 May 2009

the hardest part this troubled heart has never yet been through now

i wish, i really wish, that i could just be happy with who i am, how i look, how i act, but i cant. i wish i didnt feel so worthless, i wish i had a sense of purpose, motivation, sense of pride, confidence, but i dont. i wish i had something, someone worth fighting for, worth giving it all for, but i havent.

Friday, 1 May 2009

feeling really fucking useless

been asleep again for hours after school; mainly cause there's no reason to be awake, i dont seem to be much use to anyone once someone better comes along despite everything.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

but just my luck, i fell in love

Coursework stress is really taking its toll lately, stress mostly, as well as exam worries.

Seems everything is building up now, and it seems everyone thinks I'm fine. I wish I was, but I know I'm not. I have so much on my mind and I can't even weigh it up. My own problems are always pushed aside and left to build up whilst I try my hardest to help other people, yet I don't even seem to be helping other people lately. I'm feeling pretty, I guess, useless? Unfunny? I don't seem to be worth much time with some people no matter how much time I'm willing to give them and it can really hurt me. I also wish I could stay out of people's business, but I guess that's who I am.

I guess keeping those things that bother you inside and not putting people in awkward situations when they realise is the best thing to do, that's what makes people good friends, I think.

Staying at Sam's was good as ever, and the concert was pretty good, but it's left my neck seriously hurting, but saying I'm not somewhat jealous of his new car would be a lie, but I'm really happy for him. It's a Ford Ranger Wildtrak and it's awesome.

I wanted to write a lot more in this blog but I've fogotten it, so I'll probably write another one when I'm less fucked up.

Friday, 10 April 2009

trust i seek, and i find in you

Not blogged for a while, but blerg.

It's the easter holidays and they've been pretty good, on Monday we went to Drayton Manor and the group split;

Alex, Sam, Walsh, Jason, James, Bethan and me.
Matt, Annabel, Ches, Amy (Ches's cousin), Liam (friend of the previous), Roo.

It was pretty cool hanging out outside school with the above, and Bethan was pretty cool too, although I missed Ellie quite a bit, but I'm not sure who's group she would've gone with.
I've also been one for being kinda scared of rollercoasters, but I thought I'd do it anyway this time, and it was a really good adrenaline rush, as expected.

Walsh has stayed at my house since Sunday which has been cool too, we've had much funninesses, and we've watched some Metallica movies, which, as dodgy as it sounds, kinda makes you feel connected with them a bit more, when you see what they've been through as a band and as people.

On average, I guess things are going alright, could be a lot worse so I can't complain much, but there's a few things I'd change given the opportunity, but life doesn't work like that. One thing I'd like to clear is loneliness, but one can only keep up hope that that will change in time.

I almost feel kinda scared to start a new relationship these days, although there's no one currently I want to with, but I get scared due to nerves, and what if's, and scared of getting hurt etc.  The usual stuff really, I guess, but everyone is there own person. But it's safe to say I'm over Annabel now, I miss her as a friend now and then, and I still find her attractive in the quirky way I've always considered her gorgeous, but nothing else. I never really looked back on how long we'd been together, until I remembered times like Halloween, which were quite a while back now! 

I do admit though, I miss the cuddling and the kissing back at school, the sense of intimacy and being wanted, you know? Still, there's exams, results, likely parties, and another 2 years at Hulme yet, who knows what will happen, it's just the time in between that get hard now and then, when I feel a little lonely, like tonight- even with Walsh here.

I hope Ellie is alright these days, she seems on and off. I love it when she's happy, whatever the situation, she has an awfully heartwarming smile, but when I see her unhappy, or even upset/crying, I feel somewhat helpless, but it doesn't stop me trying. There's a time when she'd dare not to cry in front of me, and I feel really connected with her when I wipe away a tear with my finger. I guess you'll be reading this, so I hope you smile at this bit now where I tell you that's you're mostly my world, because I love you, and I like to see your fuzzy-bellying smile and hear you're ickle giggle :P and you know what, I just generally miss you when you're not there because you're fun to talk to, and mess around with, and you know, things like that :)  but you're also so incredibly deep, and I don't know if you think that's good, but it's a very good factor about you, because it allows you to be only accessed by the people who want to put the effort in to know you, which can definitely help you decipher your friends from your enemies. I know there's been a lot of stressful times as of late, but you just gotta hold onto hope, cause one of these days everything will be perfect, and times will be good.
You're my actual best friend in the whole world, and I'm so glad I'll be spending the next 2 years with you around.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

some lyrics i don't fancy finding tonight.

Friday and Saturday have been better.

It's interesting seeing how things are when you're not around, although I felt a little helpless but it's best to see them pan out and sort themselves out.

I want to feel appreciated, wanted, mentioned.
How selfish of me.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

just lucky we're alive

My mind is all messed up again.

Spring is finally kicking in and I really like the good weather, it's less depressing than freezing cold. Lunch was quite pleasant, it was nice to be sat on the steps again with everyone there, but I felt kinda out of place for some reason, I just ended up trying to go to sleep when Ellie had gone in but I was thinking too much so I didn't actually fall asleep, but someone stroked my hair which was nice, I think it was Annabel.
Things remind me of late summer last year when I was still with Annabel, just having someone to hug, cuddle, kiss, whenever and know they would appreciate it, except today I was just kind of sat there, I just want to feel special to someone..

And finally, a ridiculous amount of coursework isn't helping things, along with slow music, everything just gets to me every once in a while, and there's nothing anyone can do really, but I appreciate if someone tries.

I just want a hug right now off my best friend.. one day I'll find some way to express how much I love her.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

el fin de semana

This weekend has been a good one :)  I'm becoming rapidly closer with Sam and it's great, he's such a good friend to me and he always eats his tea, and everything else in sight ;D

Friday we arrived home after non uniform day, inwhich I didn't get to see Ellie unfortunately :(  Warhammer Club was alright actually, Amy Revans was there and was fun to talk to, as was Jason Allen, and I also aquainted myself with Claire Tarpey who seems nice, and is quite attractive!
We had some funs, playing on xbox and that, and ate minstrels :)  it was good, and we went to bed quite early, liek, 1.30am!

Saturday we got up early because the kids outside were playing, so I rushed onto the PC so I would get the good chair :)  then we checked train times and stuff, then I was really late at getting ready so we was going to miss the train, but we got the bus instead, which was quite long, and I told Sam about Lady Jane's Health Studio :'D  then we got to Manchester and got off the bus and liek, this totally gorgeous girl got off :P  anyway, irrelevant from that, we had a good day of shopping around and stuff, I bought some new kissy boxers from Topman, and then we got into Watchmen with Annabel, which was awesome (YES, DR. MANHATTAN HAS A PENIS, GET OVER IT), then we were on the way home, and Sam bought some sweatbands for £5 from Topman, and some guys in there thirties bought one of Sam for £20 (LOL) and he made his made bet to wear it for 6 months, ALL THE TIME (even during sex!). Then we went home and my mum had bought us some big bottles of Smirnoff Ice, so we drunk those and were having fun and stuff.

Sunday we got up early again and didn't miss the train this time. We went into Manchester and went straight to the food court, and consumed more food, except before that we saw the St. Patrick Day's Parade, and struggled aimlessly to find a way into the Arndale. Then we met with Jason Allen and we wondered Manchester aimlessly again, then sat outside a pub and consumed our other 2 big bottles between us, which was fun :)  then we got MORE food and began home on the train, and this rather attractive girl sat next to me.
Then when we got off, we wondered back up home, walking from Hollinwood to my house for the forth time. Achey legs :'D  We got home and Sam had a quick game on COD 4 before his dad came, which was sad :(  oh and Sam threw his bag near the train station, and a Smirnoff bottle smashed :')

And the rest of the night I've just been chatting happily to my friends, and showing Ellie my new boxers ^_^  

It's been a good weekend, I've met a girl on msn called Shannen from Scotland who's rather fun to talk to :)  and I met Claire who seems nice, and I'm still having fun talking to Ella, and Sam is awesome, and I love Ellie to bits so much :) JUNE ;D

This has been a good change

Thursday, 12 March 2009

what i want

someone to love, someone who loves me.
someone to miss, someone who misses me.
someone to care for, someone who cares for me.
someone to listen to, someone who listens to me.
someone to understand, someone who understands me.
someone to hold, someone to hold me.
someone to be myself with, someone who can be themself with me.
someone to help when they're down, someone who helps me when i'm down.
someone to give attention, someone who gives attention to me.
someone to love, someone who loves me.

and i don't want to make a fuss about it, but it's far too much to ask.

where i was lost for good in outer space.

Pretty bad day over all. My sleep last night was terrible, kept waking and thinking and not being able to sleep again, it's like one of the worst things ever because there's nothing you can do.
Then in Art I got wound up about how I work slowly and ended up snapping and being grumpy outside at my friends, although I was told 'all girls are more sensitive than boys' which, while being ironic, really got to me, although I tried not to say anything; sorry to anyone I upset though, I didn't mean it.
Spanish, as usual, was bad. Once again a late homework and then we spent the whole double doing a listening test (which I did surprisingly well in).
Business Studies we had another double lesson test which I finished early, although Jake and Callum cheered me up at the start by finding me funny, heh.
Got my resit results at the start of lunch and now I have 3 B's in all of them, which is still lower than what I expected but there's not much point in dwelling on it, it was my own fault for not revising as usual. Then just sat in Sam's form room having a chat which was different.. I prefer being outside.
End of lunch then I had physics which I was clearly depressed in, he didn't even mind that I'd not done the homework and that I was listening to my iPod (Kill The Messenger - Jack's Mannequin), and I went to the toilet and just sat for a bit and thought out of the way.
End of the day was Art which was also depressing, I nearly cried when I realized how behind I am on coursework, especially with everything else on my mind pushing closer. Also went to the toilet a few times just to sit and reflect on things, strange that no one asked what was wrong considering everyone was having a laugh and I was in the corner with my iPod on.
Mergg, there's more to it, this sounds pretty pathetic really, but I just can't work out shit right now.

Last night was great though, the gig was amazing and being with the people I were with was fantastic, thanks everyone.

Monday, 9 March 2009

So it begins

Not really sure why I decided to make one of these, I guess I figured it'd help me establish and access what's on my mind rather than everyone else's clogging up my own.

Listening to emotive music never helps but I find it relaxing, although when I reflect on the situation it seems awfully depressing- piano driven music, lonely room, one light on, late night, alone

I do get lonely you know, often.. that's why I like to stay with Sam, his family are fantastic and it prevents this situation exactly, my thoughts invading and making me somewhat edgy in a 'meh' kind of way. I can lean on my desk with my eyes closed and know I won't fall asleep for the thoughts clouding my mind.. not that I really want to fall asleep on my desk.

I like a line from Creep by Radiohead, and have been thinking that especially tonight.

I want you to notice when I'm not around

Or more to the point really, I just wonder if people think about me from time to time, and hopefully they're not bad things, but whether they are or they aren't, they're spending that time thinking of me.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me

Good old Fall Out Boy eh? Considering I never used to like them at all I've grown quite fond of them, they're good for making me feel better. Except, I do care. Unfortunately.

But I better finish this up as it's dragging out and becoming a tire for anyone who has the misfortune of reading this, but my conclusion for tonight is that, how often to people think, or talk about you? Or me, in this case. Let's make this one about me for a change, although if you can relate it to yourself, even better. I'd just like to have this hope that people consider me from time to time- I'd like to think I don't parade myself or try and grab attention like many people, but subtley try and help my friends, which sounds big headed.

Mergg, I type about nothing at all.

Thanks for reading, anyone.