Saturday, 18 April 2009

but just my luck, i fell in love

Coursework stress is really taking its toll lately, stress mostly, as well as exam worries.

Seems everything is building up now, and it seems everyone thinks I'm fine. I wish I was, but I know I'm not. I have so much on my mind and I can't even weigh it up. My own problems are always pushed aside and left to build up whilst I try my hardest to help other people, yet I don't even seem to be helping other people lately. I'm feeling pretty, I guess, useless? Unfunny? I don't seem to be worth much time with some people no matter how much time I'm willing to give them and it can really hurt me. I also wish I could stay out of people's business, but I guess that's who I am.

I guess keeping those things that bother you inside and not putting people in awkward situations when they realise is the best thing to do, that's what makes people good friends, I think.

Staying at Sam's was good as ever, and the concert was pretty good, but it's left my neck seriously hurting, but saying I'm not somewhat jealous of his new car would be a lie, but I'm really happy for him. It's a Ford Ranger Wildtrak and it's awesome.

I wanted to write a lot more in this blog but I've fogotten it, so I'll probably write another one when I'm less fucked up.

Friday, 10 April 2009

trust i seek, and i find in you

Not blogged for a while, but blerg.

It's the easter holidays and they've been pretty good, on Monday we went to Drayton Manor and the group split;

Alex, Sam, Walsh, Jason, James, Bethan and me.
Matt, Annabel, Ches, Amy (Ches's cousin), Liam (friend of the previous), Roo.

It was pretty cool hanging out outside school with the above, and Bethan was pretty cool too, although I missed Ellie quite a bit, but I'm not sure who's group she would've gone with.
I've also been one for being kinda scared of rollercoasters, but I thought I'd do it anyway this time, and it was a really good adrenaline rush, as expected.

Walsh has stayed at my house since Sunday which has been cool too, we've had much funninesses, and we've watched some Metallica movies, which, as dodgy as it sounds, kinda makes you feel connected with them a bit more, when you see what they've been through as a band and as people.

On average, I guess things are going alright, could be a lot worse so I can't complain much, but there's a few things I'd change given the opportunity, but life doesn't work like that. One thing I'd like to clear is loneliness, but one can only keep up hope that that will change in time.

I almost feel kinda scared to start a new relationship these days, although there's no one currently I want to with, but I get scared due to nerves, and what if's, and scared of getting hurt etc.  The usual stuff really, I guess, but everyone is there own person. But it's safe to say I'm over Annabel now, I miss her as a friend now and then, and I still find her attractive in the quirky way I've always considered her gorgeous, but nothing else. I never really looked back on how long we'd been together, until I remembered times like Halloween, which were quite a while back now! 

I do admit though, I miss the cuddling and the kissing back at school, the sense of intimacy and being wanted, you know? Still, there's exams, results, likely parties, and another 2 years at Hulme yet, who knows what will happen, it's just the time in between that get hard now and then, when I feel a little lonely, like tonight- even with Walsh here.

I hope Ellie is alright these days, she seems on and off. I love it when she's happy, whatever the situation, she has an awfully heartwarming smile, but when I see her unhappy, or even upset/crying, I feel somewhat helpless, but it doesn't stop me trying. There's a time when she'd dare not to cry in front of me, and I feel really connected with her when I wipe away a tear with my finger. I guess you'll be reading this, so I hope you smile at this bit now where I tell you that's you're mostly my world, because I love you, and I like to see your fuzzy-bellying smile and hear you're ickle giggle :P and you know what, I just generally miss you when you're not there because you're fun to talk to, and mess around with, and you know, things like that :)  but you're also so incredibly deep, and I don't know if you think that's good, but it's a very good factor about you, because it allows you to be only accessed by the people who want to put the effort in to know you, which can definitely help you decipher your friends from your enemies. I know there's been a lot of stressful times as of late, but you just gotta hold onto hope, cause one of these days everything will be perfect, and times will be good.
You're my actual best friend in the whole world, and I'm so glad I'll be spending the next 2 years with you around.